The Big Shindig
by Stretch Snodgrass
Summary: Cousin Pearl returns to visit the Clampetts, and is upset to see Jethro puttin' on airs and Elly May an aging spinster. Mr. Drysdale's ever-increasing greed reaches its apex, while Mrs. Drysdale returns to and makes common cause with the Clampetts. In the meantime, Granny goads Jed into a feud. Takes place after the ninth season. Reviews greatly appreciated.
1. Cousin Pearl Returns

**The Big Shindig**

Cousin Pearl returns to visit the Clampetts, and is dismayed to see Jethro puttin' on airs (while dumber than ever) and Elly May an aging spinster (well over 20, and still unmarried!). Mr. Drysdale's ever-increasing greed reaches its apex, while Mrs. Drysdale returns to sacrifice her principles make common cause with the Clampetts. In the meantime, Granny goads Jed into a feud over a deadly insult to Clampett honour. Takes place after the ninth season. The Series Finale of the Beverly Hillbillies! Reviews appreciated.

Chapter 1 - Cousin Pearl Returns

The cab driver had seen many kooks in the day, but this one took the cake. He had picked up a middle aged woman with a thick hillbilly accent at the airport. She was now sitting in the back of his car, gabbing about her rich relations in Beverly Hills. A Beverly Hills address was what she gave him, but there was no way this woman, bedecked in a ridiculous old fashioned dress full of buttons and bows, had any business in that exclusive enclave!

"My cousin Jed, that I was tellin' you about, he had purt near 100 million in that there Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills" said Pearl Bodine, eagerly. "He's also has a castle in England, where he's known as the Earl of Clampett (1). My son Jethro, he's done lived there for nearly ten years."

"Really?" said the cab driver, wondering if she were dangerous.

"That's so. I lived there with em' when they first moved. But Jethrine, (2) she's my daughter you see, she done got herself hitched to Jazzbo Depew. I decided I had to be around, to look after my grandchildren. Twins, Hezekiah and Hepzibah."

The driver had stopped for a light, so Cousin Pearl obligingly waved him a snapshot.

"Cute kids" the driver said, observing some normal looking children bedecked in old fashioned suits. The crazed dame's son-in-law was a short man who would have been considered a sharp dresser in the naughts or the 10's, but now looked as wacky as his mother in law. And what was that beside him? An extremely tall, ugly woman in an old fashioned dress. Gross!

"Nice family" said the driver, passing the portrait back.

"I thinks it's about time for Jethro to get himself hitched" said Cousin Pearl. "Bright boy, is Jethro."

The cab driver wasn't sure, but he could have sworn the woman added to herself, "Bright as a bat on a moonless night. What did I ever do to get such a fool for a son!"

"It's more'n time for his Cousin Elly" Cousin Pearl gossiped to the driver. "Poor girl's looks to be an old maid. Nearly 25 and never married."

"25?" said the driver incredulously. "Oh . . . yeah. I don't see . . . I mean, well, I've seen plenty of ugly broads who've fetched themselves husbands. My wife's one of them!"

"So's your daughter" added the driver to himself.

"Well, with me around" said Pearl, "there's gonna be some more action over there. Why, I bet a month won't go by until we've have a big shindig with the young un's being hitched!

"Lucky you" said the driver sardonically.

"Won't it be!" said Pearl. "Give me your address an' I'll be sure to give you an invite!"

"I'm . . . sorry, lady, but we cab drivers can't take party invitations from customers" the driver lied.

"Well, then, I'll go and call your company" said Pearl.

"You go do that" said the driver obligingly.

The driver was annoyed to find that the hillbilly woman had given him an address on a street full of the largest, most expensive, and most exclusive mansions in Beverly Hills. Maybe he could explain the situation to the butler of the snooks who's home he'd be crashing? Call the men with the white coats? But then again, these rich folks didn't like to be bothered. Especially by an unwanted cabby with a lunatic for a passenger.

The cab driver drove up at the address, a sombre mansion of grey stone with a large circular driveway in front. A stone wall enclosed the estate.

"Ain't it a gem" said Pearl.

"It sure is" said the driver, driving through the open gate.

He wondered if he was doing the right thing. Those rich people might complain . . . they could get him fired for this!

The cab driver parked reluctantly in front of the double doors at the front of the mansion.

"Cousin Pearl!" said a middle aged man, in old brown clothes and a white shirt. "It's been too long a time!"

"JED!" said Cousin Pearl, rushing out of the car and giving her cousin a hug.

"It's about time you've showed up here, Pearl" said a short old woman also exiting the mansion. She wore a simple homespun skirt and blouse. Her hair was grey, her face pinched and her figure wiry, but the cab driver judged her to be tough as leather notwithstanding.

"Aunt Pearl" said a young woman's voice.

The driver gasped.

Outside, dressed in a short blue dress, was the prettiest girl the cabby ever saw.

"Elly May" said Pearl, hugging her niece.

Elly May . . . the old maid?

Before the driver could consider further, Jed Clampett went up to the car.

"I'd like to thank you kindly for taking Pearl home from the air-port" said Jed.

He handed the driver a small wad of bills.

"That ought to cover your fare, and leave a tip for you" Jed noted. "No need to tote the bags into the house if you don't want to, reckon' we like to do for ourselves."

"Oh, no, Mr. Clampett" said the driver eagerly, fingering the crisp new cash, "I'd be glad to help."

And he thought the woman had been a kook! She _was _rich. Her family was rich. Well, then. If they were rich, they were eccentric . . . not kooks.

"That's mighty fine. 'cause Granny's made up a fine mess of possum innards, grits and redeye peas and gopher gravy on the occasion of Pearl's coming back."

There was eccentricity and there was kookyness.

"On second thought, buddy" said the driver, "I've got to go. I'm not allowed to take lunch from customers."

"I'm going to have to call your taxi company 'bout that" said Jed. "Seems as if they takes all the lard outta the pudding."

The driver hurriedly removed Pearl's luggage from the trunk, and sped quickly away.

Notes

(1) Jed Clampett inherits a castle (and title) in England. The Clampetts visit it twice in the series. The idea for a cab driver comes from a black-and-white episode. There, a cabby, played by Mel Blanc, concluded the Clampett mansion is a private lunatic asylum.

(2) Jethrine is Jethro's repulsive twin sister (played by the same actor who played Jethro), who only appears in the first season. Cousin Pearl notes she was married off at the end of the season. Unlike Cousin Pearl, Jethrine isn't mentioned in subsequent years.

I have never watched _The Return of the Beverly Hillbillies_. This is my attempt at a Series Finale to tie up the loose ends left at the end of the show.


	2. The Insult

**Chapter 2 - The Insult**

Pearl's return to the Beverly Hills mansion meant a special dinner in the fancy eatin' room, at the fancy eatin' table. That is to say, the billiard room and the billiard table. By special invitation, Mr. Drysdale and Miss Hathaway joined Cousin Pearl and the Clampetts. Granny had spent several hours cooking up good company vittles for the occasion.

Pearl had began by once again talking about the young twins Hezekiah and Hepzibah.

"They're just breezin' through school. Would you believe they've only taken a year to get through each grade. Why, I's thinking about sending them off to high school when they've done finished grade school." (1)

"Well doggies" said Jed. "You ought to send 'em here and board with us when the time comes. There ain't no high school in Oxford, nor Bugtussel or Silver Dollar City neither. (2) Why send the young 'uns off to be with strangers when there's plenty of great schools here in Beverly Hills. Ain't there Miss Jane."

"Oh yes" said Miss Hathaway.

"Money ain't no object in gettin' the young 'uns an education" said Jed.

This prompted a coughing fit by Mr. Drysdale, as he began to choke.

There was considerable bad blood between Miss Hathaway and Mr. Drysdale over the events of some months before. (3) However, she duly hit Mr. Drysdale on the back until he could swallow.

"I know it's real good cookin'" Granny observed, "But no need to wolf it down so fast."

"Mr. Drysdale will be fine" said Miss Hathaway. "He just has a touch of indigestion in the, er, wallet."

Mr. Drysdale glowered at Miss Hathaway.

"Does he need any doctoring?" Granny asked.

"NO" shouted Mr. Dysdale. "No, er, thank-you. I'll be fine."

Quickly changing the subject, Mr. Drysdale asked "By the way, where is Jethro?"

"He's out with the truck" said Granny. "I told him to go and buy some company vittles hours ago. I don't know why he ain't come back yet."

"It's just as well" Elly May said. "He'd have eaten up our whole dinner before we'd taken our first bite."

"I don't reckon it's fair to be stuffing ourselves without Jethro" Pearl objected.

"When he comes back I'll cook him up a feast fit for twenty men" said Granny resignedly. "Or Jethro."

"Hmph" said Pearl "I don't care for how you're mean mouthing my boy, Granny. I think _I'll _cook up his food. 'Bout time he's had some good home cooking. (4)

"Why _you _. . ." started Granny, as she got up from the table.

"Hold your horses" said Jed, breaking up the impending fight. "It's only natural Pearl would want to cook for the boy, her being his Ma and not seeing him for awhile."

"That's no call to insult my vittles!" said Granny angrily.

"Well, who's insulting your vittles when we're piling away at them right here and now?" questioned Jed Clampett. "I suppose by home cooking Pearl meant _her cooking at Jethro's childhood home_ back in Oxford, didn't you Pearl?"

Pearl looked warily at Granny.

"Of course, Jed" she said.

"But I don't see why a young, purty widder woman should slave away, especially after taking suc a long trip" said Jed diplomatically. "You just leave the cookin' to Granny, you're our guest!"

"All right" said Pearl resignedly, "And this food really is good!"

"That's better" grumbled Granny as she sat down again.

"But I'll be here for quite a while" said Pearl. "And I would like to help out. You see, I've come out here to see that my boy gets married . . . ."

"MARRIED?" Miss Hathaway exclaimed. "To whom?"

"Why, I don't rightly know yet" said Pearl. "But I intend to see my second set of grandchildren, and this takes a mother's touch."

"Or a granny's touch" said Granny forcefully. "You should have told me, Pearl. After all, who's the best matchmaker in them there hills?"

"Now Granny . . . ." said Jed.

"Matchmaker, hmph!" said Pearl. " . . . Elly, could you get me some pickled pawpaws from the kitchen."

"Why sure, Aunt Pearl!" said Elly, going to the kitchen.

In a low voice Pearl continued, "The poor girl's like to be an old maid. How many years have you been beating these here hills and not come up with a husband?"

"That's the last straw, Pearl!" said Granny, jumping up. "I'm a gonna whoop you good!"

"Granny, you sit down" said Jed. "Elly's still got plenty o'time. I've heard tell a movie star-let, she ain't got hitched 'til twenty nine. Just to prove it weren't a fluke, she got married five more times thereafter."

"Well I'm sorry" said Pearl petulantly, "But I a ain't gonna wait forever to see my Jethro settle down. That's a boy who needs a wife by his side."

"That he does" said Miss Hathaway dreamily, Pearl's words rekindling her long held affection for Jethro. (5) "Jethro needs a guide to take him through life, to cook for him, care for him, do for him . . . think for him."

"Never mind that" Mr. Drysdale said. "Now Granny, I promise you that _I _will find a beau for Elly May."

"Promises, promises" Granny scoffed. "You ain't produced a keeper these past nine years!"

The conversation died as Elly returned with the pickled pawpaws.

"What y'all talking about?" Elly asked.

"We was wonderin' when your cousin Jethro would return" lied Jed.

The sound of the ancient Oldsmobile truck announced the return of Jethro. The Clampetts and co. went to the foyer to greet Jethro. Pearl Bodine's oversized son was busy taking a number of barrels and sacks into the mansion.

"Why Jethro!" said Pearl, happily.

"Oh, hi Ma!" said Jethro, in a uninterested tone. "Company vittle's on yet!"

"They's in the dining room" said Granny irritably.

In a flash, Jethro was gone.

"One of these days, I've gotta have a long talk with that boy" said Jed, shaking his head. (6)

"Well, looks like he's long past due" Pearl observed angrily.

The Clampetts and co. went back into the dining room to find Jethro serving himself a hearty portion.

"Jethro, dear boy, aren't you going to talk to your mother?" asked Miss Hathaway, sitting beside him.

"After I'm done eating" returned Jethro.

"Well" said Pearl angrily, "If that don't beat all!"

"The boy's starved himself working" Miss Hathaway said defensively, as Jethro started to gulp down food at a breakneck pace.

Jethro gave a garbled, mouth full of food non-answer.

"Reckon he's gonna be at it awhile" said Jed. "Pearl, why don't you come with us into the fancy sittin' parlour and play some pie-anny and do some of your fancy company yodelling. Mr. Drysdale, you remember how much you loved Pearl's yodels!"

"Mr. Drysdale would love to" Miss Hathaway volunteered. "Meanwhile I'll stay with Jethro and help clean these things up."

About the time Jethro had finished eating what was left of the dinner, Pearl had finished her impromptu concert and Mr. Drysdale had politely excused himself and fled for home.

The Clampetts and Pearl returned to the dining room.

"Them vittles was good" said Jethro. "Been a long time since I've had any better."

"Your ship has arrived, Jethro" said Miss Hathaway, sensing the opportunity to try a new approach. "I've just moved into a new domicile complete with chef's kitchen; I have purchased a new guidebook to the continental secrets of the culinary arts. I believe I have perfected the _mode de preparation _for fillet mignon, cheese souffle, crepe suzette, boulliabase . . . ."

"Naa," said Jethro. "I don't think I'd care much for them Hungarian foods."

"Why Jethro" said Pearl, "I can make you some good home cooking if you're still hungry.

"You won't neither" said Granny, entering from the kitchen with a saucepan in hand. "You try to meddle in my kitchen and you get a lump on the head from my skillet."

"Now Pearl" said Jed, again playing the role of peacemaker. "You don't want to tire yourself out now, the boy's had more'n enough to eat. I thought Jethro might take us in the truck tomorrow, driving round to see the sights."

"Woo-wee" said Elly May. "We's gonna have lots o' fun tomorrow."

"Why don't you come too Miss Jane" said Jed.

"I'm afraid Mr. Drysdale won't so readily allow me to forgo my employment" said Miss Hathaway.

"I'll call him up and he'll be happy to agree" said Jed.

"I'd love to go" said Miss Hathaway, smiling. She wasn't happy about the prospect of riding around in the open truck. However, the fact she would be riding with Jethro, and had an opportunity to make a good impression on "time for my son to marry" Pearl Bodine, was more than compensation. The fact Mr. Drysdale would be infuriated by her playing hooky was simply icing on the cake.

"Well, I ain't going" said Jethro. "I can't drive Ma around town."

"Why not?" asked Granny angrily.

"Well, I'm's a sophisticated, educated, Beverly Hills playboy" said Jethro conceitedly. "It's bad enough I have to take the rest of you hayshakers around all of'em time. But what's people gonna think when I'd takes my Ma, a little ol' hillbilly from the hills, around town. They're gonna think I's a hick." (7)

"Well!" said Pearl. "I declare!"

"Jethro!" said Miss Hathaway, shocked. "Such an unworthy revilement!"

"I's gonna take you to the woodshed!" said Granny, "And tar your britches with my hickory switch!"

"But he's too old for that" objected Miss Hathaway.

"He ain't neither" said Granny crossly.

"He sure enough has it coming" said Elly May.

Granny took Jethro by the ear, and in spite of his loud objections, pulled him toward the kitchen and the backyard. Elly May followed the two.

"What am I gonna do with that boy!" said Pearl, crying.

"There, there, Mrs. Bodine," said Miss Hathaway, trying to comfort her. "I'm sure the dear boy didn't mean it. He's just . . . confused."

"I should have had a long talk with that boy long ago" said Jed sadly.

Notes

(1) Jethro, famously in the series, is a graduate of the Sixth Grade. In the first two seasons, he attends fifth and sixth grade at a Beverly Hills private elementary school.

(2) Originally, Pearl's hometown and the nearest community to the Clampetts was Oxford - first mentioned in the second episode "Getting Settled." By the fourth season, the Clampett's hometown is Bugtussel. In the eight season, the Clampetts visit Silver Dollar City - said to be near Bugtussel. I've decided to make Oxford Pearl's hometown - while Bugtussel can be a nearby community.

(3) This was a result of the events of the ninth season. Briefly, Jed Clampett was going to give half his fortune to Oceanic Research. This move was supported by Lt. Mark Templeton, a "naval frogman" introduced as Elly's boyfriend. To get rid of Templeton, Drysdale claimed that California was being invaded by Grunion (which he misrepresented as fierce warriors from the isle of Grun). Drysdale claimed Templeton was chicken, and claimed that Miss Hathaway was quitting rather than work with him. This, in turn, led to story lines including a women's liberation protest by Miss Hathaway and the other secretaries - joined in by Granny and Elly May.

(4) Granny and Pearl fought over control of the kitchen in a few Season 1 episodes.

(5) Miss Hathaway is in love with Jethro throughout most of the series.

(6) A recurring gag throughout the series. Jed never got around to having a long talk with Jethro. Elly May once asked him why. Said Jed, "Reckon because the short ones are so depressing."

(7) Beginning toward of the end of the third season, Jethro began to think of himself as a sophisticated Beverly Hills playboy. Toward the end of the series, there are a couple of occasions where he calls the Clampetts hicks.


	3. The Catalyst

**Chapter 3 - The Catalyst**

"I think his britches have been tarred more 'n enough for one day" said Jed, after a few minutes had gone by. "One of these days I'm going to have a long talk with the boy" he repeated, as he left the room.

"Well I wish you'd hurry about it" Cousin Pearl called after him. To Miss Hathaway, she said "Land of Goshen, Miss Jane, I don't know what we're going to do with the boy."

"Oh, your son is as benignant as ever" said Miss Hathaway kindly. "Alas, his homespun nature has been . . . slightly . . . blemished by the plenteousness of Hollywood tinsel in these environs."

"I don't rightly know what "benignant" means" said Cousin Pearl indignantly, "But I don't think he's that anymore. And he hasn't been "slightly blemished" but spoiled rotten! I hoped his education would pound some sense into that thick skull of his. But it's only fattened his head, and not in a good way. I declare! I never'd think he'd put on airs toward me and own his kin!"

"This has been escalating for quite some time" admitted Miss Hathaway. "It would be nice for Jethro to return to his unassuming way, and attend to a more commendable and couthy attitude."

Cousin Pearl looked at Miss Hathaway appraisingly.

"You know, a girl like you may be what Jethro needs. Good, kind, caring, smart as a whip. Only thing is . . . ."

What Cousin Pearl thought was that good, kind, smart as a whip Miss Hathaway was . . . she was also as ugly as a mud fence. Pearl wisely kept this thought to himself and instead said "Such an educated city woman like you is unlikely to marry a country boy like my Jethro. Especially since he's been putting on airs."

Miss Hathaway laughed giddily, in her somewhat unique manner.

"I've known Jethro since he came to Beverly Hills, and to enter into the state of holy matrimony with Jethro . . . . ." started Miss Hathaway excitedly, before suddenly changing tack. She thought it would be best to be demure. "It would take some thought to take such an weighty step, but I cannot deny that Jethro would be an excellent match."

"Uh-huh" said Cousin Pearl skeptically. "It may take some convincin'."

"It wouldn't take that much thought!" said Miss Hathaway.

Miss Hathaway wasn't the party Pearl thought would need the convincing. Hesitantly Pearl added, "Aren't you a few years older than Jethro? You was already a secretary when Jed got his millions, and a graduate of that there college in the east . . ."

"I'm only a few years older than Jethro" said Miss Hathaway haughtily. "Two, three, or four years at the most." Actually, Miss Hathaway was a full eight years older and she knew it. However, she wasn't going to tell Pearl that. (1)

"Of course" said Cousin Pearl, who decided then and there that, no matter, Miss Jane was young enough and was the woman who Jethro needed. "A couple years don't make so much a difference."

"I should say not' said Miss Hathaway.

"A workin' city women like you don't mind settling down?" Pearl asked. "Quittin' your job with Mr. Drysdale?"

Again Miss Hathaway laughed giddily. "It would be a dream come true to leave Milburn Drysdale's house of greed!" she exclaimed. "I"d have no hesitation in leaving that vicious ogre's lair and fly as happily to freedom as a fledging; flapping her wings and makes that first bound into the breeze!"

"What's been happening out here?" questioned Pearl. "You and Mr. Drysdale were once close as two peas in a pod? Now, you're mean mouthing him something awful."

"When I went to work for the Chief" started Miss Hathaway, "He was as decent a bank president as there ever was." She continued melodramatically, "However, the disease of avarice entered his veins and slowly corrupted him . . . ." (2)

As Pearl heard it, from Miss Hathaway's very lengthy account, Mr. Drysdale used to go to some sort of "head doctor" (3). He stopped going, because he was no longer willing to pay the medical bills. Then, as the years went on, Mr. Drysdale became greedier and more ruthless . . . and eventually very dishonest. Just last year, Elly May looked as if she would finally be married to a naval lieutenant who had also come from the hills. Mr. Drysdale made it appear as if the lieutenant quit the navy to avoid fighting a invasion of grunion."

"Who on earth are the grunions?" asked Cousin Pearl.

"They are tiny fish, that every year pratically _invade_ the rivers of the California coast " scoffed Miss Hathaway, deciding to tell Pearl all. "Mr. Drysdale pretended they were fierce warriors from the nonexistent Isle of Grun. The Clampetts never discovered this despicable deception. Some days later, Granny helped the other bank secretaries and myself force Mr. Drysdale into some sort of line after he imprisoned us in his office. However, as you can imagine this foul misrepresentation floundered Elly's potential engagement."

"Don't you ever tell Granny the whole truth!" Cousin Pearl warned. "That's cause for a feud if I ever knew one! Breaking Elly's romance, and making the clan look like fools!"

"I haven't" said Miss Hathaway. "More for the fact that I had quit Mr. Drysdale employ at the time than any sympathy with his foul scheme."

"Well, I don't say Mr. Drysdale don't deserve it" said Cousin Pearl furiously. "But Granny can't start a feud up her in this day, right in the middle of Beverly Hills!" (4)

"I should hope not!" said Miss Hathaway, though smiled at the idea of Mr. Drysdale running away from Granny with shotgun in hand.

"Any chance of this lost romance being rekindled?" asked Cousin Pearl.

"It _looked _serious" said Miss Hathaway, dubiously. "But I don't see how we can overcome the fantastic tale of the Isle of Grun and the Lieutenant's" alleged cowardice in adversity!"

"It seems to me as if Mr. Drysdale ought to eliminate that obstacle" said Cousin Pearl grimly.

"I don't know how we might. . . ." started Miss Hathaway, before pausing. "The fact that you _now know_ the whole sordid story might just be the leverage we need; that is to say the leverage we need without the feud we don't want. Your arrival is just _the catalyst _we need to force Mr. Drysdale's hand on this issue . . . and perchance, to remedy other ills that have been undiagnosed and untreated."

"What in sam hill is a catalyst?" asked Cousin Pearl.

"A person or thing that precipitates events" Miss Hathaway explained. "And your arrival may herald the _permanent _taming of Mr. Drysdale . . . and an end to the Clampett quest to find Elly May a husband!"

"It may just lead to yours as well, if I have anything to do with it!" said Cousin Pearl.

Miss Hathaway laughed giddily, but deftly disregarded the comment. "Come, we'll plot our strategy against Drysdale in the fancy sitting parlour!"

"But remember" warned Pearl. "Never tell Granny about them fish! She'd feud for sure. I don't hardly believe even Jed'll be able to stop her . . . Jed mightn'd not even want to, peace loving man that he is!"

As Miss Hathaway and Pearl left, Granny entered to give Pearl an earful about the many miseries brought about by her son. She was too late to catch Pearl, but early enough to hear Pearl's final warning to Miss Hathaway.

"Feud!" she said to herself. "Where! And over fish? Who's ever heard of a feud over fish?" After a moment's thought, she cackled "Miss Jane and Pearl must be foolin'. A fish feud? . . . But I's better keep my eye out, just to be sure."

Notes

(1) Computing the ages of the Beverly Hillbillies, Miss Hathaway or the Drysdales is difficult. The continuity of the program is naturally loose. It is really a matter of trivia, and was of little significance to the show's humour. But I'll try to draw on the show as much as possible, so here's my "ciphering" . . . ."

Drysdales

-The exact age of Mr. and Mrs. Drysdale is a mystery.

-I believe Sonny Drysdale's age differs between the first season and his return visit in the fourth. For the sake of convenience, should it come up, I'll just say the career college student is thirty-five at the time of this story (for the simple reason that Mrs. Drysdale must be significantly younger than Granny).

Beverly Hillbillies

-Granny mentions she had recently turned seventy in the second last season. Thus seventy-two over here.

-Jed's age in never mentioned, aside from the line in the theme song _"The next thing you know, _old _Jed's a millionaire_" (but then again, according to the first episode, Jed doesn't become a millionaire the way by shooting at some food)

-Elly May's age isn't given in the show. However, there's a tie in book called _The Beverly Hillbillies - The Saga of Wildcat Creek_. In the novel, Elly May gets a driver's licence soon after arriving in Beverly Hills. Therefore, I'll also give say she was sixteen originally (and twenty-five here).

-In the first season, Cousin Pearl claims to be on the "sunny side of forty-five." I'll take her at her word and peg her at forty-five then, and fifty-four here.

-Jethro is explicitly said to be sixteen at the start of the program (thus, twenty-five here)

Miss Hathaway

Determining Miss Hathaway's age is somewhat problematic.

-It's never stated exactly how old Miss Hathaway is.

-A few episodes state she's a graduate of Vasser.

-Early episodes occasionally have Mr. Drysdale, Jed, or others refer to Miss Hathaway as a "young woman." Even given the fact that this term is usually used relatively, and Drysdale and Jed are significantly older than Miss Hathaway, I'll take it to mean she's in her twenties.

-One late episode has Miss Hathaway claim she was already working for ten years for an insurance firm before she worked for Mr. Drysdale. That (assuming she graduated from a four year degree at Vassar) would put her no younger than thirty-two at the start of the series, and forty two by its end.

-I'm going to somewhat arbitrarily set her original age at twenty-four, and her age in this story at thirty-three.

-This would presume that she did go to Vassar, but went to work for Mr. Drysdale immediately after (getting a choice position due to her presumably high marks). She would have worked for the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills for a few years before the Clampetts moved to Beverly Hills.

-I'll ignore the one-off insurance company comment, given she quickly falls in love with the teenaged Jethro (who is unlikely to be too much younger than her). If she had already been in her thirties, she would have been nearly twenty years older than him.

(2) Originally, Mr. Drysdale is a fairly normal person - treating Miss Hathaway as a trusted aid. However, starting about the third season, he becomes progressively greedy and dishonest. One such episode in the third season sees Miss Hathaway show concern when Mr. Drysdale chooses to put up curtains decorated with dollar signs. However, for the most part this the show doesn't bother to refer to any change in Mr. Drysdale's world view.

A few later episodes describe Mr. Drysdale's lookalike father was even greedier and more unscrupulous. The final season sees him resort to kidnapping, theft, and fraud (see Chapter 2, Note 3).

I'll combine the conflicting depictions and say that Mr. Drysdale started off normal and became corrupted and mentally unstable by the time of this story. This was partly due to heredity, that is to say his late father's influence. In Season 1's "The Clampett's Get Pyschoanalyzed" it's revealed that Mr. Drysdale regularly sees a psychiatrist. Sometime over the years, he stopped making appointments leading to his present state of virtually unrestrained greed.

(3) In "The Clampett's Get Psychoanalyzed," a misunderstanding (the psychiatric leading Cousin Pearl to his couch) has Cousin Pearl and the Clampetts jump to the conclusion that a psychiatrist was some type of amoral womaniser.

In the ninth season, Granny visits a different psychiatrist over a series of episodes when she wrongly concludes the family's been turned into frogs. Apparently the Clampetts forgot the term "psychiatrist" in the interim.

(4) Actually, she could and did (at least briefly). Season 1's "The Great Feud" sees the Clampetts feud the Drysdales when Sonny runs off instead of marrying Elly May.


End file.
